I have a headache. I've been thinking too much. I set out today to organize my garage. It's a mess from two years of being displaced over and over again. Men don't start out as single dads, something has to happen to get them there.
When I separated from my wife, I packed up my stuff, garbage bag style, and moved to a house my brother in law owned and was remodeling to sell. His father and step mother lived there with me. A large portion of my things were being stored at my girlfriends house (more on that later) and the rest in the garage in the house I was at.
My whole life thrown into large black plastic bags and grocery store boxes. Mementos of my Mom and my time spent in the Corps. My boyscout neckerchief. The X Rays of my back from when I injured it. They used to have a place, but not anymore.
After a while, it was time to move out of the house I was in. The remodelling project was at the phase where it was impractical to live there anymore. So, once again, I had to gather up the items that I had accrued through life and move them somewhere else. Every time I was left alone, I cried. A terrible anguish would overtake me with every box I lifted. How could my life turn out like this? Why did this happen!? The pain subsided after awhile, after my things were placed in the garage of my rented house. I didn't pay much attention to how my things were stored...I just wanted to shut the door and try and cheer up. I did cheer up. Things were getting better.
Then I broke up with my girlfriend.
Remember the stuff at her house? I got to experience the grief all over again. This one was even worse for me though. I was not only relocating my belongings, I was relocating them from the place I was hoping they would stay for the rest of my life. Writing this is making me blurry eyed...sorry. Once I moved everything to their new home, there was little room to walk in the garage..."I'll organize it someday soon" I'd say to myself. A week...A month...A year went by. It's time. Get rid of the trash. Organize. Make the garage a useful space! I had completely forgotten about the reactions I had putting these things here. The complete sadness and feelings of failure. The pain wasn't as great this time, but it was still there.
I have a headache. I'm going to bed.
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Moving boxes always has significant meaning and it is so easy to take for granted what is in them as we set them aside
ReplyDeleteLike a security blanket we hold on...
Black garbage bags, withered cardboard or a cracked plastic bin, kicked around, shoved in a corner as though the contents carried no meaning or purpose.
We stand tall, we see life flashing before our eyes. Gasp, sigh, "my head is spinning," the journey came and went with much love, destruction and pain.
Reach with strength... shift, transition,create new space. Stage a strong platform for the contents thought of mere clutter. Insulate and protect the memories defining of your person and purpose.
Ahhh, so jettison what has no meaning and aspire the new.
Courage and strength holds us together.
We learn, never fail.
We transition and adjust like boxes in their new space.
Ground which we stand, with all we carry is our space... We call home.
Seems as if you are finding your blogging direction.
ReplyDeleteMaybe share what you are gaining from this since it may have an opportunity to help others.
What I've found us that when I'm ready to let it all go, and I can brace myself to wade through it, the freedom when it's gone is amazing! Something to look forward to, I promise. The important memories will live on, what you're hanging on to is just stuff.
ReplyDeleteI hope your head feels better.
Morgan, I've been trying to get ahold of you. Remember me?!? It's teri from desert storm. Get ahold of me. Stormgirl67@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteMorgan, I hope all is well with you. Looking forward to another post.
ReplyDeleteYou are really deep,but its also amazing to read your pain!It still feels raw,just reading it now!! I went through something similar,and i have vowed never to feel such emptiness again!! Its an awful ache that wont go away.When it starts to remind you of your failings,then you start to question your own motives;am i doing this /or accepting this because...? This pain is a gnawing pain;it doesnt go away that easily!!!
ReplyDeleteDo you write at all? Could you make a film out of this? I think you should!!! I love watching films about relationships,like children,they re-educate you all over again!!Did you ever watch The story about us? with your former bro-in-law? that was brilliant!! I gave all it to all my friends in relationships,and every single one of them could relate!! Its amazing when you get it right the first time,but i also believe marriage needs work;sometimes just like a garden,and if it still doesnt work,then at least you know without a doubt YOU tried!!Stay blessed!
ReplyDeleteGod bless you Morgan. Sometimes, we can feel some one else's pain. No one ever said life would be easy; that's why it's vitally important to have gratitude! I know even in my own life, I keep going from glory to glory but, it has taken me years to get to where I am. I truly believe that life in general a huge classroom, GOD is the teacher and we are his pupils; learning lesson after lesson after lesson! I can see a difference in my life in comparison as to where I was 20 years ago to the present. Lots more work to be done! Keep your faith and your eyes fixed on GOD; there is NOTHING too hard for HIM to do! Thanks for your most recent response. You're a good person; I sense that in my spirit. Peace and love, D. Marie
ReplyDelete